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Another day in the life ...
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Date:2004-04-02 02:42
Subject:it's been a while ...
Security:Public
Mood: nervous

Since I've had the opportunity to sit and write. Not for lack of trying ... but life gets going -- and you get swept away with it. Now -- as all good fools should, I sit here {April Fool's Day} and reflect. So very much HAS happened. I did get married on Christmas Eve. It's changed nothing. We've been together for five years. I didn't expect anything to change really I guess. But every so often Marc looks at me for no reason at all and gives me that {all too often -- very much needed} reassurance and says, "I Love You." That feels good. I WAS at the new job. For 6 weeks. Made it through the training with no problems, in fact I liked my training store and staff very much. Then I moved to "my" store. If you could call it that. Too many things wrong there for even me to fix -- but when I found my general manager in the bathroom with a coke spoon up her nose, I knew it was NOT the place for me! I asked my district manager for a transfer, and was told in so many words, "Well, let's part friends ... you can return your keys tomorrow." I was shocked. But if that is the way they treat their employees -- it's REALLY NOT the place I need to be. Not for that kind of money. So since then, I have been out of work -- trying to get unemployment, which I found out last week was NOT going to happen, since I "left on my own accord" ... well not really -- but OK. And have been temping. Which in the long run is exactly what I need to be doing right now. I have a million and one doctor's appointments set up for various reasons ... number one being evaluated for gastric bypass surgery. Other than being numb, scared shitless, relieved and kind of excited all in one breath -- I think I am doing okay. I am morbidly obese. This within itself is a kind of difficult realization to come to. Yes, I always knew I was overweight. But "MORBIDLY OBESE" ?? Wow! Meaning: DEAD and FAT. A soon to be FAT DEAD person. OK. Now if that's not a real wake-up call in the world I don't know what is. But even more important than that to me -- is the want to have children. Not only HAVE children, but be healthy enough to do so. To have HEALTHY children! To be alive long enough to watch them grow, and have children of their own. No matter which way you are looking at it -- all the reasons melt together and mean one thing ... I NEED TO BE HEALTHIER! Well, easier said than done. I lose and gain the same fucking 40 pounds every year! And each year -- I put another 10 pounds on top of the 40 in the first place ... so where does that get me. You guessed it ... to "MORBIDLY OBESE!"
For the past two years or so I'd been doing research on weight loss surgery -- but have had no medical insurance to cover it. Now a "Sadie, Sadie Married Lady," with a husband with really incredible medical coverage, it's all coming into focus. Hoping to get under the radar of the six month weigh-ins required for the insurance company, since they are in the process of changing their criteria from 6 to 3 months, I found a doctor I felt {very} comfortable with, out of Lenox Hill Hospital, and was scheduled to go under the knife on May 7th.! That dream lasted all of two weeks, when I found out that I was denied for the three months of weigh-ins. So I was rescheduled for July 30th. -- no biggie really, I've gotten by this long, another two months of waiting isn't going to kill me. So now I'm doing all the pre-op requirements. The first appointment of which is tomorrow with a psychoanalyst. GREAT! Just what I need is another psych evaluation! For someone as screwed up as I have been all my life, trying desperately to stay away from anyone in the "psych" profession, this is the one I am most afraid of for some reason. I mean, I've been good -- I've been taking my meds, {diagnosed as Bipolar Manic Depressive at 15} though I rarely did in the past ... working on getting the 15 pounds the surgeon wants me to lose before the WLS off ... TRYING to stop smoking -- that's the big one!
Side note: speaking of taking my meds ... I went into my primary care physician for my monthly weigh-in and asked about the new drug "Lamictal" {I think that's how it's spelled} -- which as far as I've read is designed specifically for my type of bipolar ... mild mania -- with severe depressions. I was told at the time by him {by the way since -- I am looking for a new primary care} that, "I won't put you on that, it's an anti-convulsant." Well gee -- isn't the depakote I'm on now an anti-convulsant too? YES! But I wasn't in any mood to fight with him at the time, I'd weighed in and was 4 pounds heavier than my last, not thinking that I was JUST ABOUT to get my period ... but was brow beaten by my doctor as he asked me what I'd been eating the last three weeks! Anyway ....
So that appointment {an out of pocket expense of $200 -- since she is out of network, but works with my surgeon} is tomorrow. Well, later today -- at 11 ... but never let the insomnia fool you! It's nearly 2:30am., the next is the nutritionist. And numerous pre-operative testing which will take place after I'm done with the show.
OH YES!! I forgot! In the meantime ... I got a call from an old director of mine -- and though there's no pay involved, I haven't been on a stage in over three years so it's worth it to my state of mind!
I am currently rehearsing "Follies" for the Southampton Players! Doing one big number. Taps and all! {Hell -- that'll get those 15 pounds off!} The director has been great in giving me a flexible rehearsal schedule since I am coming out from New Jersey -- I hit the island once a week, get to stay overnight with my sister, and see the baby. Besides, I am professional enough that he knows I come in off book and ready to do anything that is required of me.
And "Follies" itself is a sentimental favorite of mine {that I've never been able to do} since my father opened it on Broadway 9 days before I was born in 1971 at the Winter Garden Theatre. So I felt I just couldn't pass it over when it was pretty much given to me on a platter.
I guess everything works out for a reason -- since had my surgery been on May 7th., I never would have been able to do the number -- opening one month later. I probably would've been able to sing it, but I'm quite sure I never would have been able to dance it.
So the immediate goal is set. And thankfully, Marc is 120% behind me. He's more excited than I am I think. LOL. He's already talking about me going out on auditions when I've reached goal weight {when I was still in dancing shape -- 150lbs. -- right now, at soon to be 33 in 12 days, I'll settle for a healthy 170 -- you wouldn't want to hear the stories of what I did to keep the 150 intact.} And he's quite serious. It would be interesting. My last trial at being out there "on the line" was so very depressing. Knowing that I do HAVE the talent -- but because I wasn't thin I wasn't cast. It could open up lots of new doors -- or LOTS more cans of worms. Either way, the next year is certainly going to be an adventure.
The first step of which is already taken. The second of which is at 11 tomorrow -- so I guess I'd better get some sleep. Or at least try to.
I promise to try harder to stay better caught up in my journal. If nothing else -- I can vent to myself, even if no one else is reading. It DOES help.
I promise to try to be better to myself. For myself. And my future.
I promise to stop making promises. LOL.
We shall see.

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Date:2003-12-24 03:08
Subject:"I'm gettin' married in the morning ... "
Security:Public

Well, of course I am listening to AOL Broadband Showtunes -- it always seems when I need some 'calming' showtunes someway or another do it. Though admittedly Bernadette doing "Rose's Turn" was not exactly what I had in mind, it only makes me realize all thought processes will shut down for the next 5 1/2 minutes in order to give me the proper attention span to do the number!
Which is silly really, because I have so very much to "let go" {as Mama Rose would say} this morning.

Okay ... so it was a good arrangement -- even though it probably ran longer than the 5 1/2 I allotted. But a good catharsis nonetheless.

Really what I was looking forward to fate throwing in my face -- was a little My Fair Lady ... "I'm Gettin' Married In The Morning" ... since I am. In fact now about seven hours. And it's an odd feeling. Maybe because it's not a "big wedding" .. in fact it's the mayor, the witness {my downstairs neighbor}, Marc and myself. When the opportunity arises that we can finance a "big wedding and reception" will take place. That may not be for a few years, but that too is ok. I guess it's just weird because we're not even getting away. Not even for the weekend. It being the busy holiday season it is, there are obligations across the board -- and across three states. In fact right after the ceremony -- we are going to come back upstairs {I think I neglected to say it would be held downstairs in my neighbor's apartment -- since the girls wouldn't be that helpful trying to have a "quiet little ceremony"} and I am going to start on the Holiday Cookies.

Ah, the holiday cookies. The same ones that were supposed to SAVE me money -- since I am broke this year {after spending too much last year} and I was until this morning out of work for the past month.

** SIDE NOTE: Yes, I got the Einstein job! I start the 31st.

SO the cookies will be started immediately -- as well as the last minute errand running before everything is shut down for the next two days.

::Typing to "Tea For Two" .. is difficult .. try it sometime::

Should be loads of fun. I went about $160 over budget on the 'makings' shopping yesterday. And it should take just about forever ... since it is EVERYONE'S gift this year. But that's okay -- it's a labor of love also find somehow 'calming' ..........

Mostly.

I spent the day today ... trying to, as I said to Sandy {my cousin} the other day ... trying to make "Merry" ... since I have been beyond Humbug this year. Trying to capture some of the holiday spirit -- in any sense -- I mean, you'd think when you are getting married on Christmas Eve for God's sake {no pun intended -- it just sort of came out that way ... lol} you'd have some kind of "HOLIDAY SPIRIT" -- but I haven't been able to muster it. So today I cleaned. I mean I cleaned like I haven't in MONTHS! But I figured I wouldn't want to start my marriage with a dirty house. And when I had dusted every knic-knac and had vacuumed three separate dog-hair filled canisters and had done the dishes and changed out sheets and and and and .... I pulled out the decorations and some lights -- no tree this year ... LuLa and Kalika have never seen one ... and would be all too tempted to eat it as I was reminded when I pulled the fake out to lend to my sister this year -- and I made "Merry" ... though I'd sworn there would be no Christmas this year.

So now again ... I sit here. Not sure if I am excited, or sedate. Not sure if it doesn't feel real yet for a reason. I mean, we've been "married" a long time now. And tomorrow is just another day filled with errands. One of them just happens to be in front of the mayor to make it all legal. I'm sort of numb I think. I always envisioned it a different way ... maybe that's why I don't feel much like a bride. Who knows. And is it really all that important? The bottom line is we are together.

I'd even lit candles and had cinnamon, cloves, nutmeg and allspice boiling on the stove to give that warm cozy holiday smell in the house when he got in from work. Trying to entice him into the last possible night of premarital sex.
I suppose you can surmise -- had that happened ... I'd never be up at 4 am writing in my journal. See? We have been "married" all this time already. [smirk] Just Another Day.

In just 6 hours or so. Hmmmm. Wait, is there a feeling there.......?

No, sorry -- that's just gas.

So what else is on the agenda? Let's see. Cookies. Cookies. More Cookies. Christmas Day, his family. Either in Manhattan or Queens. As per usual -- there are not set plans to go by. But that's ok. I thrive on chaos. HA!
Friday ... more COOKIES ... unless I pull another all-nighter tomorrow. If that's the case, I should be able to get 'em all out of the way. We'll see.
Saturday, my family .. inclusive of a trip out to the island to visit my sister, her husband and baby ... the quick town hopping to "stop in" to friends ... and a visit to Dad and Naomi.
Sunday -- the day of rest.
Monday a trip to Connecticut to see Grandma -- who will hopefully by that time be released from the hospital, where she's been playing with a "touch of pneumonia" -- I'm sorry, at 85, even a "TOUCH" could be devastating.
Tuesday he goes back to work...
And Wednesday -- so do I. 10 am orientation for Einstein in Langhorne PA. where I will be training.
If all goes well -- somewhere in that time frame I want to get the cars in for servicing, and a new power steering pump for the mini-van. Yeah, I'll hold my breath.

And so goes my normal, everyday, average week.

All in all ... things are looking up.
A new year round the bend ...
Change on the horizon.
{See what "Bring Him Home" -- Les Mis -- can do to an outlook on your day, your week, your life...}

Take a Deep Breath Andrea.
"It's Showtime!"

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Date:2003-12-22 05:54
Subject:You'd ceratinly think ...
Security:Public
Mood: aggravated

By now I would be asleep.
God help me! I told you I was a horrible insomniac!
He's going to be up in about 45 minutes --
And there are SO very many things I need to do today ...
But what's going to end up happening --
He's going to get up for work ...
Make me get into bed --
And by about 7:30 - 9:00 I will eventually fall asleep, and the day will pretty much be shot.
But because he is going to be going to his mother's after work, I may just get some things done in the later afternoon/early evening. One can only hope.
But at least I've been busy here -- nesting of sorts -- making a nice new little home for myself.
Gee ... and to think only an hour ago I was reading through tons of posts, thinking to myself, "Wow, these folks have way too much free time on their hands."
Not to worry, I fit myself right into that category. Faster than you may think.
"Ah sleep, per chance to dream .... "

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Date:2003-12-22 01:55
Subject:Believe It Or Not ...
Security:Public
Mood: {what else is new}

I've sat here for the past hour or so, setting up what would seemingly be a "simple" first entry in my new journal. Babbling {much like a brook} as I normally would in my past journals, because as per usual -- I am awake ... and the rest of the house sleeps soundly. Marc, my fiance {who has just taken a second spill in two weeks, tearing tendons in his ankle} and the girls {my dogs} all snoring -- quite loudly -- as I listen to the eternal loop of Holiday Music and allowing the thoughts to just pour out of what I like to refer to as my mind. However, reaching what would have been the end of this first entry -- I found all sorts of fun enhancements I could make to the page ... not realizing that as soon as I left this page, all the text I'd written would NOT be saved at this point ... and therefor sending me right back to the beginning!
AAARRRGGGHHHHHHH!
Anyway, I guess the key points I was trying to hit were easy enough to re-write.
Here I am ... contemplating my life. Nearly 2 am. Nothing new as I have been a chronic insomniac as long as I can remember. My thoughts turn to the possibility of a new job opportunity which would at least give me something to do at this hour -- at "Einstein Bro's Bagels" which I guess would be the equivalent to "Time to make the Donuts" ... starting an opening shift at 3:30 am -- and allowing me to have what I would determine a "life" by getting out at 11 am.
Soon to be married, that is a very nice thought, since previous restaurant jobs have had me getting out at 2 or 3 in the morning, falling in to slumber around 4 or 5 and Marc leaving for work at 6:30 ... needless to say we passed each other {like ships in the night} on our way to the bathroom -- but leaving time for little else. Looking forward to starting our new life together soon -- and the hope of starting a family, these new hours would be a welcome change.
And not that it would be difficult to readjust my sleeping patterns as they are quite off-kilter already. Something to think about.
As for the rest of my initial entry -- the thoughts have flown off with the fourth version of "The Christmas Waltz" I've heard in the past hour -- so I will hope that I do not find myself once again re-writing as if this were a term paper.
I look forward to any and all postings I find ... since as it stands right now, according to the LiveJournal, I have no friends! The humility of it all. Another forum of rejection ... ouch! As if 20 years of acting wasn't enough!
As for me ... it's off to a good book, hoping to nod off before dawn.

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